Failed again!

Now that Ramadhan is officially over. Sadly for the umpteem time I failed to achieve my Ramadan KPIs.  If I were a CEO of a company I would have been sacked long ago. But Allah is All the Merciful. Lets look at the KPI again.

1. Reciting of the Holy Quran. The target was to complete the whole lot at least once, but I only managed to complete up till chapter 20 of the 30 chapters. That means short of 10 chapters. even then the final two chapters were accomplished the last few days of flourishing activities. At least the Quranflash did help. I even stole  some time during one of those mindless meetings to read the quran on the Quranflash. I did try a few online Quran site before this, but this Quranflash site is so far the most friendly. But mind you there were a few arguments against it in the Net. Some claimed of errors in the notations and markings. Maybe Jakim should come up with a list of sanctioned sites or better still come up with their own site.

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2. The qabliah and bakdiah of every solat. Missed them so many times, I lost count of the actual ones. From my my memory, I believe it was slightly better than the year before. Then again, it should have been hundred percent, especially the pre fajr payer. But I must say, I did more Dhuha prayers this time around. because there were less morning meetings this year.

3.  The tarawih – as usual, managed to complete them but not even a single long one. All of them were done on 8 rakaats. I targeted at least one 20 rakaat prayers. Not to mention those sleepy ones where I can hardly concentrate on what the imam was reading due to severe bout of sleepiness.

4. Spending – failed to spend within the required limit of RM10 per day. It was  impossible when the whole family was around over the weekend. Must strive to improve in this area. A lot of food was wasted sometimes.

5. Sadaqah – this is the only area that I succeeded. At least I managed to donate something every day.

6. Night prayers – failed miserably. Only managed to perform less than 5 times. Not even a single qiamulail was attended. Really woeful. On one occasion the whole family missed the sahur. we were absolutely knackered, we only woke up when we heard the azan. What a shame, with all the technology available, somehow that night nothing worked. I believe that could be the Lailatulqadar night. Allah only privy it to the privileged ones. Obviously I am not this year. But then again, nobody knows when is the actual night.Even those who had experienced it probably would not know it or else there would be a thousands of books written on the experience. That is the beauty of it. You have to work at it all the time to ensure you get it. You cannot predict it. If you work extra hard for the last 10 days, sincere work that is, Allah would surely grant it to you. But I did not work for it hard enough. I did not pray for it hard enough. I did not pine for it sincere enough. How could I expect Allah to grant it to me? Plain and simple, you want it, you work for it.

Overall, my ramadhan performance this year is no improvement from the previous one. I can only strive to be better. One of the tazkirah that I managed to attend reminded me of my weakness – inability to push myself. The ustaz said, we must force ourselves, especially in the beginning. Once you get the hang of it, you’ll be hooked. I discovered that in reading the Quran. After some time I began to enjoy it. But one cannot go without doing it for more than a couple of days or the laziness would creep in and the eagerness fade away. I hope to improve next year. But what if this is my last Ramadhan?

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